February 02, 2012

NOT OK: Adventures in Online Dating


I am not a person you should ask for advice about online dating. I have tried it a few times and it was almost always a nightmare. And I know I'm not the only one! There are sites dedicated to this stuff.

I gained a lot of life knowledge, though. I also gained a stalker. That's a story for another time. I haven't decided how flippant I can be about it yet.

You may have met your husband online, and if you did, HOLY CRAP good for you. Because do you know how many awful humans there are in the world? How many people you would never want to date? I can laugh now, but only because I sobbed my way through therapy.

In this episode: The Man who Hates Maps. And directions.

We agreed to meet up some time, but I was uncomfortable getting picked up at my house so I let Martin Bundercrunch* know that I'd rather meet him at a coffee shop and gave him the address.

"I don't know how to get there," he said via okCupid chat, and I laughed because, uh, aren't you on the internet too? I mean I'm not just chatting alone, am I?

I responded, "Google maps it. What time do you want to meet?"

"I don't like maps," he said, "but I know the area pretty well. Just tell me how to get there."

"Uh," I replied, bemused. "Sure. If you go to 195 and take exit 2 and take a left on Wickenden you can find it."

"I DON'T KNOW STREETS" he replied, in all caps. "JUST TELL ME HOW TO GET THERE."

I was dumbstruck. Did he want me to be more philosophical about it? "Follow your heart" wouldn't get me my coffee date. "Dude," I replied (I type how I speak), "I don't know what to say. I don't know how to tell you how to get here without using street names."

"WHY WON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE TO PICK YOU UP." More caps. "I'M NOT CRAZY OR ANYTHING, IT'S NOT LIKE I'LL TRY TO HURT YOU."

Well now that you mention it...

"You know what," I typed, "I don't think I'm ready to meet up with anyone. I'm still skittish from my last relationship."

"Why are ALL of you BITCHES so CRAZY?!?!?!" he typed emphatically. "You think EVERYONE is GOING TO RAPE YOU."

Here I got indignant. I decided to try to reason with this ex-marine (discharged! I KNOW. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though). "Well for one thing," I typed, "I don't want to date someone who can't respect my need for safety."

"YOU'RE F*CKING CRAZY FOR THINKING I'M THAT PSYCHO, BITCH."

You're right, man. I must be nuts.

*Name changed to protect the fact that I don't remember his name. Blocked them all out! La la la! Thanks, therapy!

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